Busying myself today as always but today I guess was somewhat different, usually I am in the zone, mind focused on the task, exploring without any peripheral thought patterns getting in the way. Today’s experiment was making a whelk shell, why, cannot begin to tell you why, it just came to me, thought I would try to replicate the ridges by wrapping thin spaghetti type strings of extruded clay. Just could not concentrate and my usual attention to detail was eroded by constant memories of the past. Ok for a first attempt……..
What do you do when someone dies? Said farewell to my stepfather on Friday, my brother’s eulogy summed up his life extremely well, beautiful words about quite a remarkable man. Me, I said nothing, wished I had and had a real urge to stand up and say my farewells to the man I knew as a young girl when he met my mum and married her……… then thought better of it, took a deep breath and remembered it was all so long ago……. He went on to marry Ruth, they were together for 30 years when Peter departed this world, a really lovely lady who is going to miss him so much. I remember my mum dying so suddenly nearly 25 years ago now, think I became a workaholic to numb the pain of that very sudden and tragic loss….. and as time has marched past more and more have left this world , loved ones, friends and contemporaries.
Then the lingering thought that the long queue of ageing relatives that at one time were in front of me has all of a sudden become very short! I don’t want to “not think about it” I don’t want to live as if it’s not going to happen to me…………. I want to accept it and not be scared of it and leave that fear with my children to deal with…….. I want to both live and die with grace.